Why You Struggle to Change: Understanding Protections

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Have you ever felt stuck? Like you know what you need to do to change your life, you’ve read the books, you’ve listened to the podcasts, you’re doing all the “right” things… but you just can’t seem to follow through?

Maybe you know you need to set boundaries with someone, but every time the moment comes, you just… don’t. Or you’ve got this project you’re excited about, but you keep procrastinating. Or you want to put yourself out there and meet new people, but when the opportunity comes up, you find yourself making excuses.

You beat yourself up about it. “Why am I such a coward?” “Why can’t I just do it?” “What’s wrong with me?”

Well, here’s the thing. There’s actually nothing wrong with you. What you’re experiencing has a name: Protections. And once you understand what they are and why you’re using them, everything starts to make sense.

What Are Protections?

Protections are psychological strategies we use to avoid the discomfort that comes with taking risks or facing challenges. They’re basically safety mechanisms that kick in when we feel threatened – and I don’t mean physically threatened. I mean emotionally threatened.

See, whenever you’re about to do something that could lead to failure, rejection, or looking foolish, a part of you says, “Whoa, hold up. That could hurt. Let me protect you from that.”

And that’s where protections come in.

Common Protections You Might Recognize

Procrastination – This is a big one. You’ve got a project that matters to you, but instead of working on it, you suddenly need to reorganize your closet, scroll through social media, or take a random nap. Why? Because if you actually try and it doesn’t work out, that would hurt. But if you procrastinate and half-ass it? Well, you can tell yourself, “I didn’t really try, so it doesn’t count.”

Making Excuses – “I would go talk to that person, but I’m too tired right now.” “I’d apply for that job, but my resume isn’t perfect yet.” These excuses give you permission to stay in your comfort zone. They protect you from the possibility of hearing “no.”

Creating Conflict or Drama – Ever notice how some people seem to create chaos right before something important? They pick a fight with their partner the night before a big presentation, or they get into some unnecessary drama when they’re about to make a positive change. This is a protection too. The drama becomes a convenient reason not to move forward.

Getting Sick or Anxious – Sometimes your body literally protects you. You get a headache, your stomach hurts, or you have a panic attack right before you need to do something scary. Your nervous system is saying, “Nope, we’re not doing this.”

Perfectionism – “I can’t start until everything is perfect.” This one looks productive on the surface, but it’s really just another way to avoid the risk of being judged. If you never finish or never start, you never have to face criticism.

Here’s what’s important to understand: Protections are not conscious decisions. You’re not sitting there thinking, “You know what? I’m going to sabotage myself today.” This is happening automatically, below your awareness. Your protective patterns kick in before you even realize it.

How We Learn Protections as Tools in Childhood

Now, here’s where it gets interesting. These protections didn’t just appear out of nowhere. You learned them. And you learned them because, at one point in your life, they actually worked.

Think about when you were a kid. You were small, vulnerable, and dependent on the adults around you. You didn’t have power or control. So you had to get creative to protect yourself emotionally.

Example

Imagine you’re a kid, and you worked really hard on a drawing to show your parent. You’re excited, you’re proud. But when you show it to them, they barely look up. “That’s nice, honey,” they say dismissively, before going back to their phone. That hurts, right? So what does your little kid brain learn? “Oh, if I don’t try too hard, it won’t hurt as much when they don’t care.”

Boom. Procrastination and half-assing things becomes a protection.

Or maybe you were the kid who asked for help with homework, and your parent snapped at you. “Figure it out yourself! I’m busy!” So you learned not to ask for help. You learned to isolate and do everything on your own, even when you’re struggling. That becomes your protection. If you don’t ask, you won’t be a burden, and you won’t get rejected.

Or let’s say you had a parent who was really critical. Nothing you did was good enough. The B+ should have been an A. The A should have been an A+. You learned that to avoid criticism, you had to be perfect. And if you couldn’t be perfect? Well, then you just wouldn’t try. Perfectionism or avoidance are both protections.

Maybe you grew up in a chaotic household. Yelling, fighting, unpredictability. You learned that if you created smaller problems or distractions, you could control the narrative a little bit. You’d act out, get in trouble, and suddenly everyone’s focused on you instead of the bigger scary stuff. That’s where creating drama as a protection comes from.

Here’s the crucial part: As a kid, these strategies worked. They helped you cope. They helped you survive emotionally in an environment where you didn’t have a lot of options. Your protections were tools that got you through childhood.

And what makes this even more powerful is that most of the time the adults in your life weren’t trying to hurt you. They were doing their best. They were dealing with their own stuff. But as a kid, you didn’t know that. You just knew that something felt bad, and you needed a way to make it stop.

So you developed these protections. And they became part of your operating system. They became so automatic that you don’t even think about them anymore. They’re just… there.

Why Protections Don’t Work as Adults

So if these protections worked so well as a kid, why are they a problem now?

Because the situation has changed. You’re not a kid anymore.

As an adult, you have power, options, and resources that you didn’t have back then. But your protections don’t know that. They’re still operating from that old childhood playbook. They’re trying to keep you safe from dangers that may not even exist anymore.

How Childhood Protections Sabotage Your Adult Life

Procrastination – As a kid, procrastinating might have protected you from harsh criticism. But now? Now you’re procrastinating on things that could genuinely improve your life. You’re avoiding starting your business, going to therapy, asking someone out, or pursuing your creative projects. The protection that once saved you from a mean comment is now preventing you from building the life you actually want.

Not Asking for Help – As a kid, asking for help got you snapped at or dismissed, so you learned to tough it out alone. But now? Now you’re struggling in your job, your relationship, or your mental health, and you won’t reach out because that old protection says, “Don’t be a burden.” Except the truth is, asking for help as an adult is a sign of strength, not weakness. People actually want to support you. But your protection won’t let you find out.

Perfectionism – As a kid, perfectionism might have gotten you praise or helped you avoid criticism. But as an adult, perfectionism is paralyzing you. You’re not applying for jobs because your resume isn’t “perfect enough.” You’re not sharing your art because it’s not “good enough yet.” You’re not starting that podcast, writing that book, or launching that idea because it needs to be flawless first. But here’s the truth – nothing is ever perfect. And waiting for perfection is just a protection keeping you stuck.

Creating Drama – As a kid, creating conflict or chaos might have given you a sense of control in an unpredictable environment. But now, you’re sabotaging your own relationships and opportunities. You pick fights before important events. You create problems that don’t need to exist. And then you wonder why your life feels so unstable.

Getting Sick or Anxious – Your body learned to protect you by shutting down when things felt scary. But now, that “protection” is stopping you from going to social events, job interviews, or important conversations. You’re not in danger – your nervous system just thinks you are.

The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Protections create a self-fulfilling prophecy. How annoying.

Think about it. You have a core belief that says, “I’m not good enough.” So your protection is to procrastinate and half-ass things. And then what happens? You don’t perform well. And what does that prove? “See! I’m not good enough!”

The protection that was supposed to save you from feeling inadequate actually creates the exact outcome you were afraid of.

It’s like you’re looking for proof that you’ll ultimately fail. And your protections make sure you find it.

Moving Forward

If you’re reading this and thinking, “Wow, this is me,” you’re not alone. We all have protections. Every single one of us learned ways to keep ourselves safe when we were young.

The question to ask yourself is “are these protections still serving me? Or are they keeping me stuck?”

If you’re ready to start working through your protections, to understand where they came from and how to move past them, that’s exactly the kind of work we do in therapy. It’s about building up your self-esteem and confidence so you can take those risks without your protections shutting you down.

Remember, you’re not broken. You’re just protected. And you’re ready to grow.

Ready to work through your protections and build genuine confidence? Get started with therapy today and discover what’s possible when you stop letting old patterns hold you back.

4 Relationship Skills Every Man Needs to Get His Needs Met

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One of the most common reasons men seek therapy is trouble in their relationship. Sometimes it is obvious: constant fighting, tension that never seems to let up, or a sense of living parallel lives under the same roof. Other times it is more subtle. You may find yourself feeling like something is missing, even if you cannot quite put your finger on it. You might notice that your needs seem to take a back seat while your partner’s needs are front and center. You may have tried bringing it up, but nothing changes. Eventually you might wonder whether the relationship will always feel this way.

You may start to wonder if your partner might actually be neglecting your needs. That is possible. But in many situations, the deeper issue is that you were never taught how to clearly express your needs in a way that your partner can hear and respond to.

For a lot of men, this is not a personal flaw. It is a learned limitation. Many men grew up in families where emotional needs were never openly discussed. You may have been raised with the idea that asking for what you need is weak, selfish, or burdensome. You may have learned that the “right” approach is to stay quiet, tough it out, and figure things out on your own. Unfortunately, that kind of upbringing often leaves men without the communication skills they need for healthy adult relationships.

When you do not have those skills, it is easy to fall into one of two traps. You might remain silent and hope your partner notices your needs without you having to say them out loud. Or you might wait until frustration builds to the point where you bring it up with anger or sarcasm, which often triggers defensiveness rather than cooperation. In both cases, the result is the same: the needs remain unmet, and the cycle repeats.

If you are ready to break that pattern, couples counseling can be one of the most effective paths forward. But even if that is not an option right now, there are steps you can take to “clean up your side of the street” so you can give yourself the best chance of being heard, understood, and supported.

Step One: Take an Honest Self-Inventory

Many men live on autopilot in their relationships. They get up, go to work, come home, manage their responsibilities, and maybe relax in front of a screen. The routine feels familiar and safe, but it can also make you lose sight of how you are actually showing up in the relationship.

You may think things are just fine on your end because you are doing what you are “supposed to do.” Therefor, when your partner seems distant or when conflict becomes the norm, the natural human response is to point the finger at them. But if blaming has not brought the change you want, it is time to try a different approach. Its time for true self-reflection.

Ask yourself:

Am I taking care of myself physically and emotionally? Or have I been letting stress, fatigue, or unhealthy habits take over?

Am I engaging with my partner in ways that show interest and affection, or am I mostly checked out?

If I were dating me, how would I feel about the way I am showing up right now? Am I putting in the same effort now that I was when I was initially trying to win them over when we were early in dating?

Sometimes the real obstacle is not that your partner refuses to meet your needs. It might be that you are not present enough, emotionally or physically, for them to feel connected to you in the first place. When you take ownership of your own habits, energy, and presence, you create a foundation for mutual responsiveness.

Step Two: Be Honest With Your Partner

Many men carry around silent dissatisfaction for months or even years without ever telling their partner directly what they want or need. This is often rooted in those early family-of-origin experiences. If you grew up in an environment where your feelings were dismissed or mocked, it makes sense that you would avoid the vulnerability of naming your needs now.

But here is a hard truth: your partner is not a mind reader. Even if something feels obvious to you, it might not even be on their radar.

When you avoid speaking up, you might instead slip into two common patterns. One is getting locked in arguments about who is right and who is wrong, without ever addressing the real unmet needs underneath. The other is falling into people-pleasing, putting your own needs last to keep the peace, and then feeling resentful or emotionally needy later.

Instead, try being clear, specific, and direct about what you want. You do not have to frame it as a complaint or an accusation. You can simply say, “It would mean a lot to me if…” or “I feel more connected when…” This shifts the conversation from blame to collaboration.

Step Three: Create Emotional Safety for the Conversation

One reason many men avoid expressing their needs is because they fear it will lead to conflict. They would rather keep quiet than “rock the boat.” But when the pressure of unspoken needs builds, it often bursts out in the form of irritability, sarcasm, or passive-aggressive comments — none of which lead to understanding.

If you want your needs to be heard and taken seriously, you have to set the stage for emotional safety. That means being intentional about the timing and tone of the conversation.

Instead of bringing it up in the middle of a fight or right before bed, schedule a time to talk. Let your partner know you want to have a relationship check-in. Reassure them that you are coming from a place of love and a desire for mutual growth.

Focus on describing what you would like more of, rather than listing everything they are doing wrong. This subtle shift keeps the conversation oriented toward solutions instead of triggering a defensive power struggle.

Just as important is your willingness to listen once you have shared your perspective. Your partner has needs too, and some of theirs may require you to make changes. When you listen first and fully, you create an environment where both of you feel respected and understood. That sets the stage for cooperative negotiation rather than a win-lose dynamic.

Step Four: Focus on What You Can Control

After you have taken responsibility for your own habits, communicated openly, and created emotional safety, it is important to remember the limits of your control.

You control your behavior, your responses, and your honesty about what you need. You do not control how your partner reacts, how quickly they adapt, or whether they meet your needs in the exact way you hoped.

Trying to control your partner almost always turns the relationship into a tug-of-war. Power struggles do not create intimacy; they create distance. If your goal is to have a cooperative, mutually supportive relationship, then your focus should be on your own contributions rather than micromanaging theirs.

Ironically, when you stop trying to force an outcome, your partner is often more willing to meet you halfway. A relationship feels safer and more inviting when each person knows their autonomy will be respected.

The Underlying Challenge: Skills We Were Never Taught

If you are struggling to communicate your needs, it does not mean you are broken or incapable. It often means you never had a model for how to do it. Many men grew up in homes where emotional expression was limited to anger or silence. Vulnerability may have been discouraged or even punished.

In those environments, you learn to suppress your needs rather than voice them. You may even convince yourself that not needing anything from others is a form of strength. But in adult relationships, that approach leaves you disconnected and unfulfilled.

The good news is that communication is a skill, not a fixed trait. You can learn how to speak up in a way that invites cooperation rather than conflict. You can practice negotiation that respects both your needs and your partner’s needs instead of turning the relationship into a scoreboard of wins and losses.

It takes intention and sometimes guidance, but it is absolutely possible.

The Bottom Line

When your needs are not being met, it is easy to slip into blame. But blame is a dead end. It keeps you stuck in patterns of arguing, demanding, people-pleasing, shutting down, or acting out — all of which erode connection.

If you want a different outcome, you have to take ownership of your role in the dynamic. That means showing up for yourself, showing up for your partner, speaking honestly, and creating a safe space for honest dialogue.

When you lead with responsibility and clarity, you create the conditions for your partner to meet you in the middle. You set the stage for a relationship built on mutual respect and shared effort, rather than power struggles and silent resentments.

Healthy relationships are not about one person winning and the other losing. They are about learning how to work together so both people feel seen, valued, and supported. And that begins with the courage to name your needs and the patience to negotiate them with care.

If you would like help building these skills and breaking old communication patterns, working with a therapist can make the process faster and easier. You do not have to keep repeating the same arguments or settling for less connection than you want. The tools are available, and the results are worth it. Reach out if you want to give yourself the best shot at having your needs met and building the kind of relationship you actually want.

What To Do When You Screw Up: A Therapist’s Perspective on Being Human

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Today I found myself thinking about that time I got a ticket for driving with an expired tag. Not just a few weeks expired. Not even a couple of months expired. Nope. A full 15 months expired. Fifteen. Months. I somehow managed to miss not one, but two renewal cycles. And yet there I was, blithely driving around completely unaware of my vehicular delinquency.

When I got the ticket, I was in complete disbelief. This wasn’t me. I’m a responsible person. I pay my bills. I show up on time. I keep track of my obligations. And yet, here I was, face to face with an expensive ticket informing me that I was actually failing as an adult.

If you’re anything like me—a generally conscientious, put-together adult—then you know how disproportionately rattling these small mistakes can feel. They don’t feel small. They feel huge. They feel like cracks in the image we try so hard to maintain: responsible citizen, competent adult, reliable friend, professional leader. And when that image takes a hit, it can set off a cascade of emotional drama that is far bigger than the actual infraction.

How You Automatically Respond to a Mistake

Let’s break it down, shall we? Because whether it’s an expired tag, a missed deadline, a forgotten birthday, or a financial misstep, you may notice having a few different responses. And how you respond is related to the “story” you learned and created about who you are. This story results in an automatic response that is often self-defeating or can even increase discord with others. I will break down some of these auto-responses and how they became your go-to pattern.

Option #1: Denial

In response to a big mistake, you pretend it didn’t happen. You ignore it and procrastinate the cleanup. The brain goes into this self-protective mode of shock and disbelief. Because if we’re “responsible people,” then mistakes like this don’t happen. This can be caused if your family of origin had a pattern of sweeping things under the rug. Things don’t get talked about.

This probably affected you deeply. Think of a time when one of your parents made a mistake that caused hurt or distress, only to then move on like nothing happened. Your feelings were implicitly invalidated. You repeat this pattern through denial and do not give attention or validation to the damage caused to yourself or your loved ones. In short, you invalidate yourself or those you hurt.

Option #2: Excuses or Blaming Others

Next, we scramble for explanations. “Well, I never got the notice.” “You didn’t tell me what you wanted.” And you know what? Some of these excuses may even be partially true. But underneath the rationalizations is a quiet (and sometimes not-so-quiet) desperation to protect our self-image. Because if we can explain it away, maybe it means we’re not actually flawed. The result is often blaming others.

How did this happen? It’s possible that you learned this from a parent with narcissistic traits, mimicking the behavior of never taking responsibility for actions. Or, you were the golden child and your parent or parents always made excuses for you. In other words, you were never truly challenged to take accountability. Deep down there is a self-belief that “if I let others see that I was a failure, they will not love me.” With that belief running your life, you turn to excuses and blame to protect yourself from the perceived fear of loss of status or respect. Ironically, being someone who always blames others is a guaranteed way to lose respect.

Option #3: Deep Shame

You shut down, feeling overwhelmed with negative thoughts about yourself, calling yourself names and thinking about how stupid and useless you are. Then you start with the fears: “How could I be so careless?” “What will my family think?” “What if the person I’m dating sees this and decides I’m actually terrible at adulting?”

When we turn a simple mistake into a referendum on our entire character, it is likely due to a family history of highly critical and shaming statements. When you were a child, you were learning about the world and probably making mistakes all the time. That’s how we learn. If your parents treated these mistakes with unrelenting criticism or abusive comments, you likely internalized those messages as defining who you are and how stupid or unworthy you are when you make a mistake.

The Myth of Perfect

Perfectionism loves to masquerade as high standards, but in reality, it’s an unattainable, moving target. If your goal is to never mess up, you will live in constant anxiety and disappointment because perfection is, by definition, impossible. Even the most responsible people screw up. In fact, it’s often the most responsible people who feel these mistakes the most deeply because they’ve built so much of their identity around being the one who doesn’t screw up.

Part of the reason these “small” mistakes feel so significant is because they threaten our internal narrative. If you’ve always seen yourself as the organized one, the competent one, or the one who holds it all together, then a simple oversight doesn’t just represent a missed to-do list item—it feels like a betrayal of your core identity.

But here’s the truth: Identity isn’t binary. You’re not either perfectly responsible or completely irresponsible. You’re a full-spectrum human being. You can be 99% responsible and still miss an expired tag. You can be a deeply caring friend and forget a birthday. You can be financially prudent and still overdraft your account one month. One mistake does not define you.

So What Do You Do When You Screw Up?

Here’s where we get to the good stuff. Because while making mistakes is inevitable, how we respond to them makes all the difference. Here are the steps I recommend, both as someone who’s been there and as a therapist who helps people navigate these very moments:

1. Pause and Reflect

First, take a breath. Really. A deep one. Our knee-jerk reaction is often to catastrophize or scramble for excuses. Instead, sit with the reality of the situation. Acknowledge the facts without judgment.

“Yes, my tag was expired for 15 months. That is objectively true.”

Notice that this statement doesn’t include any moral evaluation. It’s not “I’m so irresponsible” or “I’m a failure.” It’s simply what happened.

2. Challenge Your Inner Critic

That nasty voice in your head that says you’re a failure? It’s wrong. Start talking back to it with evidence. This is how you separate the facts and circumstances from the added-on self-criticism:

“I usually pay my bills on time.”
“I show up for my family.”
“I’m dependable at work.”
“I manage a lot of responsibilities well.”

The one mistake doesn’t erase all of that. You are a responsible person who made a single oversight. Period.

3. Normalize Human Error

We live in a world of endless demands: work, family, friendships, finances, health, home maintenance, social obligations, civic duties—the list goes on. Of course something’s going to fall through the cracks every now and then. If anything, missing a detail like a tag renewal might just reflect that you’ve been prioritizing more important things.

4. Extract the Lesson

Perfectionism offers no growth, but mistakes are fertile ground for learning. Ask yourself:

“Is there a system I can put in place to avoid this in the future?”
“Can I give myself permission to delegate or ask for reminders?”
“What does this tell me about my bandwidth and where I need support?”

Instead of stewing in shame, get curious. Curiosity opens the door to self-compassion and problem-solving.

5. Let It Go

Finally, forgive yourself. Fully. Completely. The ticket is paid. The tag is renewed. The world keeps turning. Holding onto the shame doesn’t serve you, and it certainly doesn’t make you more responsible in the future. If anything, it just drains your emotional resources.

The Real Goal: Progress, Not Perfection

As a therapist, I see so many clients who hold themselves to impossible standards. They’re afraid to make mistakes because they believe those mistakes reveal something fundamentally flawed about them. But what I remind them—and myself—is that being a fully functioning adult isn’t about flawless execution. It’s about resilience. It’s about how quickly you recover, how kindly you speak to yourself, and how much grace you extend to your very human self.

So the next time you screw up (and you will, because you’re human), remember this:

  • Your worth is not defined by your mistakes.
  • Responsible people make mistakes, too.
  • The goal isn’t perfection. It’s learning, growth, and self-compassion.

In fact, I would argue that your ability to navigate mistakes with grace and humor is one of the strongest markers of true maturity.

And if you need a therapist to heal the deeper childhood wounds that created all those self-defeating automatic responses, reach out. You deserve healing and a new relationship with your mistakes.

Feeling Stuck? How to Break Free from Unhealthy Coping and Step Into a Healthier, Happier Life

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Do you ever feel like you’re just getting by?

Maybe your days are a blur of caffeine-fueled meetings, endless notifications, or late nights spent scrolling or gaming to quiet a racing mind. Maybe you’re pushing through with a glass of wine in hand—or something stronger—just to take the edge off. Or maybe you find yourself sinking into habits that you know aren’t helping… but they’re familiar. They’re your crutch. They help you survive the day.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us—yes, even those who appear successful and high-functioning on the outside—struggle with unhealthy coping mechanisms. And while they may offer temporary relief, over time, they can slowly chip away at our sense of well-being, connection, and hope.

The good news? You don’t have to stay stuck. You already have the strength inside of you—not just to survive, but to truly thrive. Let’s talk about how.

The Hidden Cost of Unhealthy Coping

Stress is part of being human. Whether it’s the pressure of a demanding job, the anxiety of uncertainty, or the weight of responsibility—especially financial or familial—it’s no surprise that we seek ways to manage that pressure.

But here’s the thing: not all coping strategies are created equal.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms can include:

  • Substance use (alcohol, drugs, even over-reliance on caffeine or nicotine)
  • Acting Out (throwing fits to get your partner’s attention, impulsive sex with strangers, or other risky behaviors)
  • Overuse of digital distractions (endless scrolling, binge-watching, porn, or compulsive gaming)
  • Overworking or avoidance (staying so busy that you avoid emotions entirely)

These behaviors might help you feel better in the moment. They can numb discomfort, quiet the chaos, or give a sense of control. But over time, they often lead to bigger problems—like depression, anxiety, burnout, isolation, or even physical health issues.

You might find yourself feeling more disconnected from your purpose, your relationships, and ultimately… yourself.

Why Do We Fall Into These Patterns?

Unhealthy coping isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you’re trying to manage something that feels overwhelming.

From a psychological perspective, these behaviors serve a function. They help you escape pain, distract from anxiety, or regain a sense of control when things feel out of control. And many of these patterns are learned—consciously or not—through our early environments, relationships, or even societal messages about success and productivity.

For example:

  • The perfectionist entrepreneur who numbs out with alcohol at night to silence the self-critical voice that says they didn’t do enough.
  • The high-performing executive who relies on caffeine and constant stimulation to outrun burnout, never allowing space for rest or reflection.
  • The overwhelmed student or parent who loses hours to gaming or YouTube—not out of laziness, but as a way to temporarily feel safe, in control, or simply disconnected from the pressure.

Understanding the why behind the behavior is the first step toward real change.

Step 1: Identify the Underlying Function

Before you can change a habit, you need to understand what purpose it serves.

Ask yourself:

  • What am I feeling before I engage in this behavior?
  • What does this habit help me avoid or escape?
  • What would I lose (emotionally or psychologically) if I stopped?

For instance, if you notice you drink wine every evening, dig deeper. Are you lonely? Are you using it to shift from “work mode” to “home mode”? Are you trying to dull anxiety or silence thoughts?

Once you understand the role the behavior plays in your life, you can begin to make intentional, compassionate changes—without shame or self-judgment.

Step 2: Name the Real Need

Every unhealthy coping behavior is trying to meet a valid need—it’s just doing it in a way that might hurt more than help.

Some common underlying needs include:

  • Rest
  • Connection
  • Relief from anxiety
  • A sense of control or agency
  • Validation or worthiness
  • Escape from pain

When you pause to name the need underneath the behavior, you shift from reacting to your stress to responding to it.

Try this journaling prompt:

“When I [engage in the habit], I am really needing [insert need].”

For example:

  • “When I scroll TikTok for hours at night, I’m really needing a break from feeling responsible for everyone else.”
  • “When I over-caffeinate all day, I’m really needing permission to rest and recharge.”

Step 3: Choose Healthier Alternatives

Once you’ve named the need, you can begin to experiment with new, healthier behaviors that meet it in more life-giving ways.

Here are some examples:

  • Instead of caffeine binges, try structured rest breaks, hydration, and sleep hygiene habits.
  • Instead of video game marathons, experiment with a hobby or physical activity that helps you feel accomplished and relaxed.
  • Instead of nightly drinking, develop a soothing evening ritual: tea, music, a warm bath, or reading a book that nourishes your spirit.
  • Instead of bottling emotions, schedule time to journal, speak with a friend, or work with a therapist to unpack what’s really going on.

You’re not trying to rip away a lifeline without a replacement—you’re building a bridge to a better one.

Step 4: Build Your Toolbox

Changing behaviors is not a one-time fix. It takes consistent, intentional effort. That’s why it helps to build a toolbox of skills and supports that you can draw on when things get tough.

Some helpful tools might include:

  • Mindfulness practices: Meditation, breathwork, grounding exercises
  • Cognitive reframing: Challenging negative thought patterns
  • Routine and structure: Building in small, predictable self-care habits
  • Support systems: Friends, mentors, therapists, or recovery groups
  • Body-based practices: Yoga, walking, stretching, or even just learning to feel your feelings in your body without judgment

Each tool is a building block toward resilience.

Step 5: Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection

Let’s be honest: changing coping habits is hard.

You may slip up. You may find yourself back in old patterns. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It just means you’re human.

Progress looks like:

  • Pausing before reaching for the bottle
  • Choosing to journal instead of scroll one night this week
  • Saying “no” to one thing to give yourself space to breathe

Each small choice builds momentum. Over time, those choices add up to transformation.

Step 6: Reconnect With Your Why

Ultimately, the goal isn’t just to stop doing harmful things. The goal is to start living more fully, more freely, more in alignment with who you really are.

Ask yourself:

  • What kind of life am I trying to build?
  • What kind of person do I want to become?
  • How would I show up if I felt safe, strong, and supported?

Let that vision guide you. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about becoming more you.

You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Sometimes, the patterns are too deeply rooted, or the stress too overwhelming, to untangle by yourself. And that’s okay. Reaching out for help is not a weakness—it’s a powerful act of courage.

I work with individuals who are ready to stop surviving and start thriving. Together, we explore the root causes of your coping behaviors, identify healthier alternatives, and build the skills and confidence you need to create the life you truly want.

Whether you’re facing burnout, anxiety, addictive patterns, or just the quiet ache of “something’s not right,” know this:

You are not broken.
You are not alone.
And you already have everything you need to take the next step.

In Summary

Feeling stuck isn’t the end of the story. It’s the beginning of a new chapter.

By understanding the why behind your coping patterns, identifying your real needs, and replacing harmful behaviors with healthier ones, you can start to break free—and move toward a life filled with more purpose, peace, and joy.

You have the strength not just to survive… but to thrive.

Let’s walk that journey together.

Interested in taking the next step? Reach out to learn more about how we can work together to help you reclaim your life, your joy, and your sense of self.

Book a Consult

Resolutions don’t work but this will…

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I know, I know… you’ve already heard it countless times: “New Year’s Resolutions don’t work.” You’re told they’re a waste of time, that no one sticks to them, and all you’re doing is wasting money on an unused gym membership. However, the person telling you this is probably someone who’s completely against the idea of setting goals or having any concept of a direction in life—and they’re probably not the best person to take advice from. They get to say, “Told you so,” when you drop your resolution in February and feel oddly validated that they haven’t done anything to address their skin condition or sugar addiction in years.

Why Resolutions Fail

But seriously, there’s a very real issue with New Year’s Resolutions. The failure rate is too damn high. Studies show that most people (80%) give up on their goals sometime in February, and only 9–12% of people report actually following through until the end of the year. Now, there are good reasons for this. The first problem is the mindset that leads people to think they should wait until the start of a new year to take action. If you didn’t shape up in November, why would you keep going in March after a long week?

But there’s a much larger problem, which I believe is behind the resolution failure epidemic. The real issue is how we respond to failure. When we focus on resolutions for the new year, we tend to give up as soon as we hit a setback, slowly losing momentum until we reach a state of inaction—the complete failure state. Once we fail, it’s all too easy to rationalize that failure and accept it, ceasing all efforts to try again. “Well, I guess resolutions don’t really work anyway. That lazy friend was right after all. Maybe next year…”

Protect Yourself from the Failure Trap

Resolutions set us up to believe in an “all or nothing” mentality, where any setback is seen as proof of failure. In this mindset, failure means giving up, with some vague promise to yourself of action on a magical future date—so you can forget your worries and move on.

If you want to break this pattern, here’s what you can do: forget the resolutions and create year-end goals instead. Ask yourself, “What do I want to accomplish by the end of this year?” It’s a subtle difference, but it allows you to experience setbacks and then get back on track because you have the whole damn year. You can forgive yourself for skipping the gym for a few weeks or not reading any new books over the summer. The key is to return to the goal when you can. This makes ‘failure’ less of a permanent state and more of a temporary condition. Remember: ‘Failure too will pass!’

Details to really make this process work:

  • I give myself until Jan 31st of each year to review last year’s outcomes and set new goals for end of the current year. That way it feels less hurried and I can really think it through.
  • Write it down and post it somewhere easily visible to you. The more to read and review the goals the more focused you are and the more aligned you feel to what you are working towards.
  • SMART goals are great and effective. (Specific, measurable, achievable, etc) but I always include a couple of goals that are more intention focused rather than outcome focused. For instance setting my intention for a connected relationship with my partner. This allows me to enjoy the journey instead of just the finish line.

Breaking out of the Slump.

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Have you ever slacked at an important healthy routine that you care about?

Humans will say “Yes!” to this question, only robots and charlatans will pretend they are always on track. You know what happens. First you slack, then you feel guilty about slacking and say “I need to get back to that,” but you don’t because the longer you slack the less energy you have to do the thing. 

For me, it was regular jogging. I was in decent shape, but I have seriously slacked on that goal. So what are we to do about it? The solution is simple. Just restart!

Like, do it today. Or tomorrow is fine, but if you put it off another day then you should reread the part about doing it today.

And let’s be honest, restarting is going to suck at first. I went for a jog today for the first time in weeks and it was awful. My Fitbit decided to exclusively focus on just telling the time, dropping its other projects of monitoring my heart rate and tracking my workout time. Spotify didn’t like my playlist of motivational pop, so halfway through the jog it just stopped playing any music. My jog to walk ratio was just sad. 

It sucked. But afterwards, I felt better. I feel more energy in me and I look forward to doing it again. That is how it works. You just need to restart. It will suck, and then it will feed you energy to get fully back on track. 

At some point I will slack again. You will slack again. Let’s celebrate that! We celebrate it with full acceptance because it means two things:

1) We can always RESTART again. 

2) It means we are actually not a robot. 

So breath easily knowing you are real and don’t let the slack get you down.