What To Do When You Screw Up: A Therapist’s Perspective on Being Human

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Today I found myself thinking about that time I got a ticket for driving with an expired tag. Not just a few weeks expired. Not even a couple of months expired. Nope. A full 15 months expired. Fifteen. Months. I somehow managed to miss not one, but two renewal cycles. And yet there I was, blithely driving around completely unaware of my vehicular delinquency.

When I got the ticket, I was in complete disbelief. This wasn’t me. I’m a responsible person. I pay my bills. I show up on time. I keep track of my obligations. And yet, here I was, face to face with an expensive ticket informing me that I was actually failing as an adult.

If you’re anything like me—a generally conscientious, put-together adult—then you know how disproportionately rattling these small mistakes can feel. They don’t feel small. They feel huge. They feel like cracks in the image we try so hard to maintain: responsible citizen, competent adult, reliable friend, professional leader. And when that image takes a hit, it can set off a cascade of emotional drama that is far bigger than the actual infraction.

How You Automatically Respond to a Mistake

Let’s break it down, shall we? Because whether it’s an expired tag, a missed deadline, a forgotten birthday, or a financial misstep, you may notice having a few different responses. And how you respond is related to the “story” you learned and created about who you are. This story results in an automatic response that is often self-defeating or can even increase discord with others. I will break down some of these auto-responses and how they became your go-to pattern.

Option #1: Denial

In response to a big mistake, you pretend it didn’t happen. You ignore it and procrastinate the cleanup. The brain goes into this self-protective mode of shock and disbelief. Because if we’re “responsible people,” then mistakes like this don’t happen. This can be caused if your family of origin had a pattern of sweeping things under the rug. Things don’t get talked about.

This probably affected you deeply. Think of a time when one of your parents made a mistake that caused hurt or distress, only to then move on like nothing happened. Your feelings were implicitly invalidated. You repeat this pattern through denial and do not give attention or validation to the damage caused to yourself or your loved ones. In short, you invalidate yourself or those you hurt.

Option #2: Excuses or Blaming Others

Next, we scramble for explanations. “Well, I never got the notice.” “You didn’t tell me what you wanted.” And you know what? Some of these excuses may even be partially true. But underneath the rationalizations is a quiet (and sometimes not-so-quiet) desperation to protect our self-image. Because if we can explain it away, maybe it means we’re not actually flawed. The result is often blaming others.

How did this happen? It’s possible that you learned this from a parent with narcissistic traits, mimicking the behavior of never taking responsibility for actions. Or, you were the golden child and your parent or parents always made excuses for you. In other words, you were never truly challenged to take accountability. Deep down there is a self-belief that “if I let others see that I was a failure, they will not love me.” With that belief running your life, you turn to excuses and blame to protect yourself from the perceived fear of loss of status or respect. Ironically, being someone who always blames others is a guaranteed way to lose respect.

Option #3: Deep Shame

You shut down, feeling overwhelmed with negative thoughts about yourself, calling yourself names and thinking about how stupid and useless you are. Then you start with the fears: “How could I be so careless?” “What will my family think?” “What if the person I’m dating sees this and decides I’m actually terrible at adulting?”

When we turn a simple mistake into a referendum on our entire character, it is likely due to a family history of highly critical and shaming statements. When you were a child, you were learning about the world and probably making mistakes all the time. That’s how we learn. If your parents treated these mistakes with unrelenting criticism or abusive comments, you likely internalized those messages as defining who you are and how stupid or unworthy you are when you make a mistake.

The Myth of Perfect

Perfectionism loves to masquerade as high standards, but in reality, it’s an unattainable, moving target. If your goal is to never mess up, you will live in constant anxiety and disappointment because perfection is, by definition, impossible. Even the most responsible people screw up. In fact, it’s often the most responsible people who feel these mistakes the most deeply because they’ve built so much of their identity around being the one who doesn’t screw up.

Part of the reason these “small” mistakes feel so significant is because they threaten our internal narrative. If you’ve always seen yourself as the organized one, the competent one, or the one who holds it all together, then a simple oversight doesn’t just represent a missed to-do list item—it feels like a betrayal of your core identity.

But here’s the truth: Identity isn’t binary. You’re not either perfectly responsible or completely irresponsible. You’re a full-spectrum human being. You can be 99% responsible and still miss an expired tag. You can be a deeply caring friend and forget a birthday. You can be financially prudent and still overdraft your account one month. One mistake does not define you.

So What Do You Do When You Screw Up?

Here’s where we get to the good stuff. Because while making mistakes is inevitable, how we respond to them makes all the difference. Here are the steps I recommend, both as someone who’s been there and as a therapist who helps people navigate these very moments:

1. Pause and Reflect

First, take a breath. Really. A deep one. Our knee-jerk reaction is often to catastrophize or scramble for excuses. Instead, sit with the reality of the situation. Acknowledge the facts without judgment.

“Yes, my tag was expired for 15 months. That is objectively true.”

Notice that this statement doesn’t include any moral evaluation. It’s not “I’m so irresponsible” or “I’m a failure.” It’s simply what happened.

2. Challenge Your Inner Critic

That nasty voice in your head that says you’re a failure? It’s wrong. Start talking back to it with evidence. This is how you separate the facts and circumstances from the added-on self-criticism:

“I usually pay my bills on time.”
“I show up for my family.”
“I’m dependable at work.”
“I manage a lot of responsibilities well.”

The one mistake doesn’t erase all of that. You are a responsible person who made a single oversight. Period.

3. Normalize Human Error

We live in a world of endless demands: work, family, friendships, finances, health, home maintenance, social obligations, civic duties—the list goes on. Of course something’s going to fall through the cracks every now and then. If anything, missing a detail like a tag renewal might just reflect that you’ve been prioritizing more important things.

4. Extract the Lesson

Perfectionism offers no growth, but mistakes are fertile ground for learning. Ask yourself:

“Is there a system I can put in place to avoid this in the future?”
“Can I give myself permission to delegate or ask for reminders?”
“What does this tell me about my bandwidth and where I need support?”

Instead of stewing in shame, get curious. Curiosity opens the door to self-compassion and problem-solving.

5. Let It Go

Finally, forgive yourself. Fully. Completely. The ticket is paid. The tag is renewed. The world keeps turning. Holding onto the shame doesn’t serve you, and it certainly doesn’t make you more responsible in the future. If anything, it just drains your emotional resources.

The Real Goal: Progress, Not Perfection

As a therapist, I see so many clients who hold themselves to impossible standards. They’re afraid to make mistakes because they believe those mistakes reveal something fundamentally flawed about them. But what I remind them—and myself—is that being a fully functioning adult isn’t about flawless execution. It’s about resilience. It’s about how quickly you recover, how kindly you speak to yourself, and how much grace you extend to your very human self.

So the next time you screw up (and you will, because you’re human), remember this:

  • Your worth is not defined by your mistakes.
  • Responsible people make mistakes, too.
  • The goal isn’t perfection. It’s learning, growth, and self-compassion.

In fact, I would argue that your ability to navigate mistakes with grace and humor is one of the strongest markers of true maturity.

And if you need a therapist to heal the deeper childhood wounds that created all those self-defeating automatic responses, reach out. You deserve healing and a new relationship with your mistakes.

Feeling Stuck? How to Break Free from Unhealthy Coping and Step Into a Healthier, Happier Life

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Do you ever feel like you’re just getting by?

Maybe your days are a blur of caffeine-fueled meetings, endless notifications, or late nights spent scrolling or gaming to quiet a racing mind. Maybe you’re pushing through with a glass of wine in hand—or something stronger—just to take the edge off. Or maybe you find yourself sinking into habits that you know aren’t helping… but they’re familiar. They’re your crutch. They help you survive the day.

If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many of us—yes, even those who appear successful and high-functioning on the outside—struggle with unhealthy coping mechanisms. And while they may offer temporary relief, over time, they can slowly chip away at our sense of well-being, connection, and hope.

The good news? You don’t have to stay stuck. You already have the strength inside of you—not just to survive, but to truly thrive. Let’s talk about how.

The Hidden Cost of Unhealthy Coping

Stress is part of being human. Whether it’s the pressure of a demanding job, the anxiety of uncertainty, or the weight of responsibility—especially financial or familial—it’s no surprise that we seek ways to manage that pressure.

But here’s the thing: not all coping strategies are created equal.

Unhealthy coping mechanisms can include:

  • Substance use (alcohol, drugs, even over-reliance on caffeine or nicotine)
  • Acting Out (throwing fits to get your partner’s attention, impulsive sex with strangers, or other risky behaviors)
  • Overuse of digital distractions (endless scrolling, binge-watching, porn, or compulsive gaming)
  • Overworking or avoidance (staying so busy that you avoid emotions entirely)

These behaviors might help you feel better in the moment. They can numb discomfort, quiet the chaos, or give a sense of control. But over time, they often lead to bigger problems—like depression, anxiety, burnout, isolation, or even physical health issues.

You might find yourself feeling more disconnected from your purpose, your relationships, and ultimately… yourself.

Why Do We Fall Into These Patterns?

Unhealthy coping isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign that you’re trying to manage something that feels overwhelming.

From a psychological perspective, these behaviors serve a function. They help you escape pain, distract from anxiety, or regain a sense of control when things feel out of control. And many of these patterns are learned—consciously or not—through our early environments, relationships, or even societal messages about success and productivity.

For example:

  • The perfectionist entrepreneur who numbs out with alcohol at night to silence the self-critical voice that says they didn’t do enough.
  • The high-performing executive who relies on caffeine and constant stimulation to outrun burnout, never allowing space for rest or reflection.
  • The overwhelmed student or parent who loses hours to gaming or YouTube—not out of laziness, but as a way to temporarily feel safe, in control, or simply disconnected from the pressure.

Understanding the why behind the behavior is the first step toward real change.

Step 1: Identify the Underlying Function

Before you can change a habit, you need to understand what purpose it serves.

Ask yourself:

  • What am I feeling before I engage in this behavior?
  • What does this habit help me avoid or escape?
  • What would I lose (emotionally or psychologically) if I stopped?

For instance, if you notice you drink wine every evening, dig deeper. Are you lonely? Are you using it to shift from “work mode” to “home mode”? Are you trying to dull anxiety or silence thoughts?

Once you understand the role the behavior plays in your life, you can begin to make intentional, compassionate changes—without shame or self-judgment.

Step 2: Name the Real Need

Every unhealthy coping behavior is trying to meet a valid need—it’s just doing it in a way that might hurt more than help.

Some common underlying needs include:

  • Rest
  • Connection
  • Relief from anxiety
  • A sense of control or agency
  • Validation or worthiness
  • Escape from pain

When you pause to name the need underneath the behavior, you shift from reacting to your stress to responding to it.

Try this journaling prompt:

“When I [engage in the habit], I am really needing [insert need].”

For example:

  • “When I scroll TikTok for hours at night, I’m really needing a break from feeling responsible for everyone else.”
  • “When I over-caffeinate all day, I’m really needing permission to rest and recharge.”

Step 3: Choose Healthier Alternatives

Once you’ve named the need, you can begin to experiment with new, healthier behaviors that meet it in more life-giving ways.

Here are some examples:

  • Instead of caffeine binges, try structured rest breaks, hydration, and sleep hygiene habits.
  • Instead of video game marathons, experiment with a hobby or physical activity that helps you feel accomplished and relaxed.
  • Instead of nightly drinking, develop a soothing evening ritual: tea, music, a warm bath, or reading a book that nourishes your spirit.
  • Instead of bottling emotions, schedule time to journal, speak with a friend, or work with a therapist to unpack what’s really going on.

You’re not trying to rip away a lifeline without a replacement—you’re building a bridge to a better one.

Step 4: Build Your Toolbox

Changing behaviors is not a one-time fix. It takes consistent, intentional effort. That’s why it helps to build a toolbox of skills and supports that you can draw on when things get tough.

Some helpful tools might include:

  • Mindfulness practices: Meditation, breathwork, grounding exercises
  • Cognitive reframing: Challenging negative thought patterns
  • Routine and structure: Building in small, predictable self-care habits
  • Support systems: Friends, mentors, therapists, or recovery groups
  • Body-based practices: Yoga, walking, stretching, or even just learning to feel your feelings in your body without judgment

Each tool is a building block toward resilience.

Step 5: Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection

Let’s be honest: changing coping habits is hard.

You may slip up. You may find yourself back in old patterns. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It just means you’re human.

Progress looks like:

  • Pausing before reaching for the bottle
  • Choosing to journal instead of scroll one night this week
  • Saying “no” to one thing to give yourself space to breathe

Each small choice builds momentum. Over time, those choices add up to transformation.

Step 6: Reconnect With Your Why

Ultimately, the goal isn’t just to stop doing harmful things. The goal is to start living more fully, more freely, more in alignment with who you really are.

Ask yourself:

  • What kind of life am I trying to build?
  • What kind of person do I want to become?
  • How would I show up if I felt safe, strong, and supported?

Let that vision guide you. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about becoming more you.

You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Sometimes, the patterns are too deeply rooted, or the stress too overwhelming, to untangle by yourself. And that’s okay. Reaching out for help is not a weakness—it’s a powerful act of courage.

I work with individuals who are ready to stop surviving and start thriving. Together, we explore the root causes of your coping behaviors, identify healthier alternatives, and build the skills and confidence you need to create the life you truly want.

Whether you’re facing burnout, anxiety, addictive patterns, or just the quiet ache of “something’s not right,” know this:

You are not broken.
You are not alone.
And you already have everything you need to take the next step.

In Summary

Feeling stuck isn’t the end of the story. It’s the beginning of a new chapter.

By understanding the why behind your coping patterns, identifying your real needs, and replacing harmful behaviors with healthier ones, you can start to break free—and move toward a life filled with more purpose, peace, and joy.

You have the strength not just to survive… but to thrive.

Let’s walk that journey together.

Interested in taking the next step? Reach out to learn more about how we can work together to help you reclaim your life, your joy, and your sense of self.

Book a Consult

Resolutions don’t work but this will…

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I know, I know… you’ve already heard it countless times: “New Year’s Resolutions don’t work.” You’re told they’re a waste of time, that no one sticks to them, and all you’re doing is wasting money on an unused gym membership. However, the person telling you this is probably someone who’s completely against the idea of setting goals or having any concept of a direction in life—and they’re probably not the best person to take advice from. They get to say, “Told you so,” when you drop your resolution in February and feel oddly validated that they haven’t done anything to address their skin condition or sugar addiction in years.

Why Resolutions Fail

But seriously, there’s a very real issue with New Year’s Resolutions. The failure rate is too damn high. Studies show that most people (80%) give up on their goals sometime in February, and only 9–12% of people report actually following through until the end of the year. Now, there are good reasons for this. The first problem is the mindset that leads people to think they should wait until the start of a new year to take action. If you didn’t shape up in November, why would you keep going in March after a long week?

But there’s a much larger problem, which I believe is behind the resolution failure epidemic. The real issue is how we respond to failure. When we focus on resolutions for the new year, we tend to give up as soon as we hit a setback, slowly losing momentum until we reach a state of inaction—the complete failure state. Once we fail, it’s all too easy to rationalize that failure and accept it, ceasing all efforts to try again. “Well, I guess resolutions don’t really work anyway. That lazy friend was right after all. Maybe next year…”

Protect Yourself from the Failure Trap

Resolutions set us up to believe in an “all or nothing” mentality, where any setback is seen as proof of failure. In this mindset, failure means giving up, with some vague promise to yourself of action on a magical future date—so you can forget your worries and move on.

If you want to break this pattern, here’s what you can do: forget the resolutions and create year-end goals instead. Ask yourself, “What do I want to accomplish by the end of this year?” It’s a subtle difference, but it allows you to experience setbacks and then get back on track because you have the whole damn year. You can forgive yourself for skipping the gym for a few weeks or not reading any new books over the summer. The key is to return to the goal when you can. This makes ‘failure’ less of a permanent state and more of a temporary condition. Remember: ‘Failure too will pass!’

Details to really make this process work:

  • I give myself until Jan 31st of each year to review last year’s outcomes and set new goals for end of the current year. That way it feels less hurried and I can really think it through.
  • Write it down and post it somewhere easily visible to you. The more to read and review the goals the more focused you are and the more aligned you feel to what you are working towards.
  • SMART goals are great and effective. (Specific, measurable, achievable, etc) but I always include a couple of goals that are more intention focused rather than outcome focused. For instance setting my intention for a connected relationship with my partner. This allows me to enjoy the journey instead of just the finish line.

Breaking out of the Slump.

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Have you ever slacked at an important healthy routine that you care about?

Humans will say “Yes!” to this question, only robots and charlatans will pretend they are always on track. You know what happens. First you slack, then you feel guilty about slacking and say “I need to get back to that,” but you don’t because the longer you slack the less energy you have to do the thing. 

For me, it was regular jogging. I was in decent shape, but I have seriously slacked on that goal. So what are we to do about it? The solution is simple. Just restart!

Like, do it today. Or tomorrow is fine, but if you put it off another day then you should reread the part about doing it today.

And let’s be honest, restarting is going to suck at first. I went for a jog today for the first time in weeks and it was awful. My Fitbit decided to exclusively focus on just telling the time, dropping its other projects of monitoring my heart rate and tracking my workout time. Spotify didn’t like my playlist of motivational pop, so halfway through the jog it just stopped playing any music. My jog to walk ratio was just sad. 

It sucked. But afterwards, I felt better. I feel more energy in me and I look forward to doing it again. That is how it works. You just need to restart. It will suck, and then it will feed you energy to get fully back on track. 

At some point I will slack again. You will slack again. Let’s celebrate that! We celebrate it with full acceptance because it means two things:

1) We can always RESTART again. 

2) It means we are actually not a robot. 

So breath easily knowing you are real and don’t let the slack get you down.